این مقاله به زبان فارسی: بعد از تولد نوزاد مدام دعوا میکنیم — زوجدرمانی برای والدین تازه در ونکوور
If you and your partner have been snapping at each other since your baby arrived, you are not failing at parenthood and you are not falling out of love. You are living through the single most predictable strain a relationship can face. I am Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC, a couples and family counsellor at 1300–1500 West Georgia Street in downtown Vancouver, BC, and at drsamuel.ca I work with new parents using the Gottman Method and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to stop the sleep-deprived conflict cycle before it hardens into resentment. Sessions are in English or Farsi, in person downtown or by secure video anywhere in British Columbia, and the first 20 minutes are a free phone call with me directly.
The direct answer: research following couples across the birth of a first child finds that relationship satisfaction usually drops, and drops suddenly, in the first year. That drop is not a verdict on your marriage. It is a measurable, well-studied pattern, and the couples who come through it well are not the ones who avoid conflict — they are the ones who keep repairing it. Counselling for new parents works on the repair, on the invisible-labour fight underneath most of the arguments, and on the exhausted “parts” of each of you that take over at 3 a.m.
Is it normal to fight this much after having a baby?
Yes, and the evidence is unusually clear on this point. An eight-year prospective study of 218 couples published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that parents showed a sudden deterioration in relationship functioning after the birth of a first child, on both self-report and observed measures, while childless couples showed only a gradual drift over the same years. Mothers reported larger jumps in conflict and problem intensity than fathers. An earlier study from John Gottman’s laboratory at the University of Washington followed 82 newlywed couples and found that two-thirds of new mothers experienced a decline in marital satisfaction after the baby, while one-third stayed steady or improved.
That last number is the one I want you to hold onto. A third of couples do fine — and the same study identified what those couples were doing differently: they kept expressing fondness, they stayed aware of what was going on in each other’s day, and they treated problems as something the two of them could solve together. None of that requires a calm household. It requires a way back to each other after the argument, which is exactly what couples counselling trains.
Not ready to talk? Text or WhatsApp one line to 604-721-0604 — “new baby, we keep fighting” is enough. I reply personally within a day.
Why do new parents keep having the same argument?
Most new-parent arguments are not about the thing being argued about. The dishwasher, the night feed, whose turn it is, the phone in his hand while she is holding the baby — these are surface events. Underneath is what Gottman’s research calls a perpetual problem: a difference in needs or personality that does not get “solved,” only managed. New parents inherit several at once. Who does the invisible planning? Who gets to be tired? Whose career slows down? How much of the old life gets to survive?
When a perpetual problem is handled with contempt or stonewalling, couples enter gridlock: the same fight, same script, worse each time. When it is handled with curiosity — what does this mean to you, what are you afraid of losing — it becomes what Gottman calls dialogue. The topic does not change. The temperature does.
Sleep deprivation makes every bit of this harder. A nervous system running on four broken hours of sleep is faster to flood, slower to recover, and less able to read a partner’s face accurately. Much of what looks like a character change in the months after birth is a body that cannot down-regulate.
What do Gottman and IFS actually do for a couple with a newborn?
I combine two methods because they work on two different layers of the same fight.
The Gottman Method works on what happens between you. In session we slow one real argument down to find where it tips — usually a harsh start-up (“You never…”) followed by a defensive reply — and we practise the repair attempts that the stable couples in Gottman’s research make almost automatically. We also map the perpetual problems, so that “you don’t help” becomes a specific conversation about the night shift, the mental load, and the visits from relatives, rather than a global accusation.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) works on what happens inside each of you. In the IFS view, the partner who snaps is not a bad partner; a protective part has taken over, usually to keep a more vulnerable feeling — I am invisible, I am not good at this, I am losing myself — out of sight. The postpartum period is a factory for these parts: the mother whose “manager” part has to control every detail of the baby’s care, the father whose “withdrawer” part goes quiet the moment he feels criticized. In session each of you learns to notice the part before it speaks for you, and to say what it is protecting. Partners who hear “a part of me is terrified I am not doing this right” respond very differently than partners who hear “you never help.”
The two methods reinforce each other. Gottman gives you the map of the fight; IFS gives you access to the tender thing the fight is protecting. Most new parents discover that they are on the same side after all — both exhausted, both frightened of getting it wrong, both grieving the couple they were six months ago.
Can we do couples counselling with a newborn in the house?
Yes, and I have built the practice around it. Sessions run evenings and weekends as well as weekdays, so a partner on parental leave and a partner back at work can both attend. Secure video means nobody has to arrange childcare, drive downtown or wake a sleeping baby; a feeding or a fussing infant in the background is normal and does not derail a session. If you prefer in person, the office is at 1300–1500 West Georgia Street, near the SeaBus and Burrard Station.
There is no receptionist, no waitlist and no intake questionnaire. You reach me directly, and I keep a small caseload so I can answer my own phone.
Does the exhausted new mother’s mood belong in couples counselling?
It belongs in the room, and it is also screened carefully. In Statistics Canada’s Survey on Maternal Health, nearly a quarter of recent mothers reported feelings consistent with postpartum depression or an anxiety disorder, and only about a third of those mothers received any treatment. A partner’s low mood or constant dread changes the conflict cycle profoundly — irritability, withdrawal and hopelessness all look like relationship problems when they are partly a mood problem. When I see that pattern I say so, discuss support with the couple, and coordinate with the family physician or public-health nurse when the couple wants that. Fathers are not immune either; the transition to parenthood is a recognised risk window for men’s mood as well.
What does a first session for new parents look like?
In the first session I meet you both together. I ask about the pregnancy, the birth, sleep, feeding, who is doing what, and the argument that repeats most often. I usually ask you to have a short version of that argument in front of me, because how you fight tells me more than what you fight about. By the end of the hour you have a plain-language picture of your cycle and one repair skill to use that week.
The following sessions alternate between the two layers described above — the between-you skills and the inside-you parts. Most new parents work with me for eight to twelve sessions, weekly at first and then further apart. The goal is not to stop disagreeing; it is to make the disagreements shorter, kinder and less frightening.
Recovery is shorter the earlier it starts. The couples who wait until the second child, or until one partner has started sleeping in another room, have simply more resentment to unwind.
How much does couples counselling for new parents cost in BC, and what covers it?
Couples work is covered by most extended health plans that include Registered Clinical Counsellors (RCC), and I direct-bill wherever the plan allows, so most clients never pay the full fee up front. If either partner’s distress traces back to a motor-vehicle collision, ICBC pays 100 per cent of counselling on an active claim; veterans and RCMP members are covered through VAC and RCMP programs; FNHA covers eligible First Nations clients; IFHP covers eligible refugees. Confirming coverage is one of the things we can do in the free 20-minute call.
Farsi-speaking new parents in Vancouver
Frequently asked questions
How soon after the birth is too soon to start couples counselling?
There is no “too soon.” Some couples start in the last trimester, which the Gottman research on new parents actively supports; others come at six weeks, when the sleep deprivation has peaked. If the arguments have become daily or one of you is avoiding the other, that is the signal — not the calendar.
We do not have time for weekly sessions with a newborn. Is there a lighter option?
Yes. Video sessions from home, evening and weekend slots, and a rhythm of every two weeks once the first repair skills are in place all work. Even one session that maps the cycle gives you language to use at 3 a.m.
My partner says the fighting is just tiredness and will pass. Is that true?
Partly. Sleep loss magnifies everything, and some of the intensity will ease. But the eight-year study found that the drop in relationship quality after birth persisted throughout the years measured; it did not simply bounce back. What passes is the exhaustion. What stays is whatever pattern you built during it.
Is the mental load a real thing or just a complaint?
It is real. The Gottman study of new parents found that couples whose lives felt chaotic and where the husband’s disappointment and negativity were high were the ones whose satisfaction fell. Planning, anticipating and remembering are labour; naming that in session is often the turning point for the partner who felt unseen.
Will you take sides between the sleep-deprived mother and the working father?
No. Both of you are carrying a heavy load, and both loads are usually invisible to the other. My job is to make them visible, not to rank them.
Can one of us come alone?
Yes. If one partner is not ready, I can begin with the one who is, using IFS to work on that partner’s own reactions. Many reluctant partners join once they see that the counselling is not a courtroom.
Does it matter that the baby came by IVF, adoption or surrogacy?
The route matters for the story you carry into parenthood, and I ask about it, but the conflict cycle after arrival is remarkably similar across routes. The same skills apply.
Do you work with same-sex parents and non-traditional families?
Yes. Two-mother and two-father households face the same sudden reorganisation of time, sleep and identity, sometimes with added pressure from extended family. All of the work above applies.
Is what we say confidential from each other?
The couple is my client, so I do not keep secrets between partners that would sabotage the work. I explain exactly how that works before we begin.
What if we live outside Metro Vancouver?
Secure video sessions are available to anyone in British Columbia — Kelowna, Prince George, Victoria, Nanaimo or a small town without any couples counsellor at all.
Related reading on drsamuel.ca
- Relationship gridlock: how couples counselling in Vancouver ends the pursue–withdraw cycle
- When should couples start counselling? Why Vancouver couples shouldn’t wait six years
- Couples and family therapy in Vancouver
Talk to me this week
You are capable people who have been carrying too much for too long on too little sleep. Call or text 604-721-0604, message me on WhatsApp at the same number, or request a callback at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/. Evening and weekend sessions are available, in person at 1300–1500 West Georgia Street in downtown Vancouver or by secure video across BC. The first 20 minutes are free, with me, and there is nothing to fill out first.
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Written with expert editorial assistance.
Sources
- Doss BD, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Markman HJ. The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: an 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2009. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19254107/
- Shapiro AF, Gottman JM, Carrère S. The baby and the marriage: identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 2000 — summarised by the University of Washington. https://www.washington.edu/news/2000/10/24/good-news-for-expectant-couples-arrival-of-first-baby-doesnt-mean-wifes-marital-satsfaction-has-to-take-big-nose-dive/
- Mitnick DM, Heyman RE, Smith Slep AM. Changes in relationship satisfaction across the transition to parenthood: a meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 2009. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20001143/
- Statistics Canada. Maternal Mental Health in Canada, 2018/2019. The Daily, June 24, 2019. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/190624/dq190624b-eng.htm
- The Gottman Institute. The empirical basis for Gottman Method couples therapy. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-empirical-basis-for-gottman-method-couples-therapy/
- IFS Institute. Couples and marriage counseling with Internal Family Systems therapy. https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/couples-marriage-counseling-internal-family-systems-therapy