این مقاله به زبان فارسی: بنبست در رابطه: چگونه زوجدرمانی در ونکوور چرخه تعقیب و کنارهگیری را میشکند
Relationship gridlock is the point where a recurring argument stops moving. One partner pushes to talk; the other shuts down; both walk away more convinced the other will never change. I’m Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC — a couples counsellor at Dr Samuel Counselling & Neurofeedback in downtown Vancouver, BC (drsamuel.ca), and unlocking gridlocked conflict is a core part of my couples and family therapy practice. The way out is not winning the argument or avoiding it. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that about 69% of couple conflict is perpetual — rooted in lasting differences in personality, culture, or needs — which means the goal of counselling is not to eliminate the issue but to change how the two of you move through it. That shift is learnable, it is faster with a trained guide, and in my practice it usually begins in the very first session.
What Is Relationship Gridlock — and How Is It Different From Ordinary Arguing?
Every couple argues. Healthy conflict actually does useful work: it surfaces needs, tests assumptions, and — when repaired — deepens trust. Gridlock is different. A gridlocked issue is one you have fought about so many times, with so little progress, that the conversation now starts pre-poisoned. Each of you can recite the other’s lines before they are spoken. Compromise feels like self-betrayal. Underneath almost every gridlocked issue, Gottman’s research found, there is a hidden dream or core need that has never been said out loud — about security, freedom, respect, family loyalty, or what love is supposed to look like.
That is why advice like “pick your battles” or “just communicate better” fails here. You cannot negotiate your way out of a conflict whose real subject has never entered the room.
What Does the Pursue–Withdraw Cycle Look Like at Home?
Gridlock has a signature choreography that researchers call the demand/withdraw (or pursue–withdraw) pattern. One partner — often the one who feels the problem most urgently — raises it, presses, criticizes, follows the other from room to room. The other partner — often the one who feels blamed or flooded — goes quiet, gives one-word answers, leaves, or buries themselves in their phone. The pursuit makes the withdrawal worse; the withdrawal makes the pursuit more desperate. A meta-analysis of 74 studies covering more than 14,000 participants found this pattern reliably linked to lower relationship satisfaction and poorer individual wellbeing for both partners — not just the one doing the withdrawing.
The cruel part is that both people are trying to protect the relationship. The pursuer is fighting for connection. The withdrawer is trying to prevent an explosion. Each reads the other’s protection as rejection.
Not ready to talk? Text or WhatsApp one line to 604-721-0604 — I reply personally within a day.
Why Doesn’t the Withdrawer Just “Open Up” — and the Pursuer Just “Calm Down”?
Because by the time the cycle is entrenched, it is no longer a communication problem — it is a nervous-system problem. When a partner’s heart rate climbs during conflict, the body enters what Gottman calls flooding: the capacity to listen, empathize, and problem-solve goes offline. A flooded partner who stays in the conversation says things they regret; a flooded partner who leaves gets accused of not caring. Willpower does not fix this, which is why couples who love each other can repeat the same fight for a decade.
This is also where my practice differs from talk-only approaches: because I work with neurofeedback training alongside couples therapy, I take the biology of conflict seriously. Some partners — especially those carrying old trauma or chronic stress — flood so fast that skills training alone cannot land. Teaching both partners to recognize flooding, call a structured time-out, and physiologically settle before re-engaging is often the first turning point.
The first 20 minutes are free, by phone, with me — no receptionist, no intake forms, no obligation. You describe the cycle you’re stuck in; I tell you plainly whether and how I can help. Book at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/.
How Do the Gottman Method and IFS Work Together to Unlock Gridlock?
Here is a composite picture — not a real couple, but a pattern I have seen many times in twenty-five years of practice, from Red Crescent refugee-camp trauma work to veterans’ mental health programs to my downtown Vancouver office.
“Maya” wants to talk every evening about whether to buy a home; “Daniel” changes the subject or works late. In session, the Gottman Method gives us the map: we slow the fight down, identify the pursue–withdraw cycle by name, and use the dreams-within-conflict conversation — each partner interviews the other, with my coaching, about what this issue means to them. It emerges that for Maya, buying a home means her sacrifices finally counted; for Daniel, a mortgage means becoming his father, who was crushed by debt. Neither had ever said this.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) then takes us a level deeper. IFS understands each of us as carrying “parts” — the inner critic, the protector who goes silent, the anxious part that pursues. Daniel’s silence, in IFS language, is a protector part doing a job it learned in childhood. When Daniel can say “a part of me panics when we talk about money” instead of stonewalling, Maya is no longer facing a wall — she is facing a person. The argument does not disappear; 69% of conflict never does. But it stops being a war and becomes a dialogue between two histories.
This pairing — Gottman for the between, IFS for the within — is the core of how I work with gridlocked couples, alongside emotionally focused therapy (EFT) and schema-informed work where they fit.
Does Couples Counselling Actually Work?
The evidence says yes, clearly. A major research review in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy concluded that couple therapy produces significant improvement for roughly 70% of couples who undertake it — results comparable to the best-supported individual therapies. What predicts poorer outcomes is waiting: couples who arrive after years of entrenchment have further to travel than those who come when the cycle is new. Recovery is shorter the earlier it starts. That is honest loss-aversion, not a scare tactic — the couples I see are capable people who have been carrying too much for too long, not broken ones.
What Happens in the First Few Sessions?
You will not be told to fight in front of a stranger and hope. My assessment follows a clear structure: a joint session where I watch the cycle rather than the content, brief individual conversations with each partner, and then a feedback session where I name the pattern I see and propose a plan. From there, sessions alternate between structured conversations (Gottman interventions, IFS parts work) and skills you practise at home. I see couples in person on West Georgia Street in downtown Vancouver and by secure video across BC, with evening and weekend times available — and because I have no receptionist and no intake forms, you deal with me directly from the first call.
Who Pays for Couples Counselling in BC?
Most extended health plans in BC cover Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) services, and I direct-bill most of them, so many of my clients pay little or nothing out of pocket. Where a relationship has been strained by a car-crash injury, ICBC pays 100% of approved counselling on active claims, with no user fee. Veterans and RCMP members are covered through VAC and RCMP health benefits, and I also direct-bill CVAP, FNHA, and IFHP. On the free 20-minute call I will tell you exactly which route applies to you before you commit to anything.
مشاوره زوجین به زبان فارسی
اگر شما یا همسرتان فارسیزبان هستید، لازم نیست ظریفترین احساساتتان را به زبان دوم ترجمه کنید. جلسات زوجدرمانی در دفتر من در ونکوور یا بهصورت ویدیویی، به زبان فارسی برگزار میشود — با شناخت واقعی از فرهنگ خانوادههای ایرانی. جلسات به فارسی برگزار میشود.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to have the same argument for years?
Yes. Gottman Institute research found about 69% of couple conflict is perpetual — it recurs because it rests on lasting differences, not because either partner is failing. What matters is whether the argument stays a dialogue or hardens into gridlock.
What is the difference between demand/withdraw and stonewalling?
Demand/withdraw is the two-person cycle: one presses, one retreats. Stonewalling is the withdrawer’s half of it — shutting down completely, often because of physiological flooding. Counselling addresses both sides of the loop, not just the quieter partner.
We only fight about one topic. Do we still need couples counselling?
A single gridlocked issue is actually the classic reason to come. One unresolved core issue erodes friendship and intimacy across the whole relationship, and it usually carries an unspoken meaning that a structured conversation can surface quickly.
My partner won’t come. Can I start alone?
Yes. One partner changing their half of the pursue–withdraw cycle changes the cycle itself, and reluctant partners often join once they hear the first sessions were about patterns, not blame.
Do you take sides?
No. In the pursue–withdraw cycle both partners are protecting the relationship in ways that misfire. My job is to put the cycle — not either person — on the other side of the table.
How long does couples counselling take?
It varies with how long the pattern has run, but this is structured, goal-directed work, not open-ended weekly talking. We set goals in the feedback session and review progress against them.
Can we do sessions by video from outside Vancouver?
Yes — I see couples by secure video anywhere in BC, including evenings and weekends, and in person in downtown Vancouver.
Is what we say confidential?
Yes, within the limits of BC law, which I explain plainly in the first session. As an RCC I follow the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors’ ethical standards.
Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC — Dr Samuel Counselling & Neurofeedback, 1300–1500 West Georgia Street, Vancouver, BC. Call or text 604-721-0604 (WhatsApp welcome), or book a free 20-minute phone consultation at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/. Evening and weekend appointments available, in person downtown or by secure video across BC. جلسات به فارسی برگزار میشود.
Written with expert editorial assistance.
Sources
- Gottman Institute — Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
- Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A Meta-Analytical Review of the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Interaction. Communication Monographs, 81(1) — tandfonline.com
- Lebow, J., Chambers, A., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. (2012). Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(1) — PubMed
- IFS Institute — Research on Internal Family Systems therapy