Notice: For general interest only; may contain inaccuracies. Not a diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, or professional, clinical, or legal advice. Reading this creates no counsellor-client relationship. By reading this page, you agree to these terms. Full disclaimer. In an emergency, call 911.
این مقاله به زبان فارسی: یکی بچه میخواهد و دیگری مطمئن نیست: مشاوره پیش از ازدواج در ونکوور
Short answer: a difference about having children is one of the few disagreements that cannot be split down the middle, so it deserves a proper conversation before the wedding. In practice, “I’m not sure” usually stands for something more specific, such as fear about money, career, health, or repeating one’s own childhood. Premarital counselling does not push either partner toward an answer. It helps each of you find out what your position really is, hear the other’s, and decide with clear information whether you can build a life together. Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC, does this work with engaged couples in downtown Vancouver and by video across BC, using the Gottman Method together with Internal Family Systems (IFS).
Why is this harder than other premarital disagreements?
Couples can compromise on where to live, how to budget and how often to see in-laws. There is no half-child. Because of that, many couples avoid the subject. One hopes the other will come round after the wedding. The other assumes that “we’ll see” meant “probably not”. Each is planning a different future, and they find out years later, when time has made the decision more urgent and the stakes higher.
The context matters as well. Statistics Canada reported that Canada’s total fertility rate fell to a record low in 2023, and British Columbia’s was the lowest of any province (Statistics Canada, 2024). Housing costs, childcare costs and later career starts are part of many Vancouver couples’ hesitation. Uncertainty is common. It is not a defect in the relationship.
What does “I’m not sure” usually mean?
- “Not yet.” The person wants children in principle and fears the timing.
- “Not under these conditions.” Housing, income, or how the work at home would be shared.
- “I’m afraid I would be a bad parent.” Often tied to a difficult childhood.
- “I’m afraid of losing myself or us.” Career, freedom, the relationship as it is now.
- “No, but I’m afraid to say it.” The person fears the relationship will end if they are honest.
Each of these leads to a different conversation. A couple cannot have the right one until they know which it is.
If this is the conversation you keep postponing, you can text or WhatsApp Samuel at 604-721-0604.
What goes wrong when couples avoid it?
Two patterns are common. In the first, one partner applies steady pressure and the other gives in. Agreement produced by pressure tends to turn into resentment, and a child is a poor place for resentment to land. In the second, the partner who wants children gives up the wish silently and grieves it alone, which creates distance the other cannot explain.
Research also gives a reason to decide with open eyes. An eight-year study by Doss et al. (2009) found that couples who became parents showed a sudden drop in relationship satisfaction after the birth, larger than the gradual decline seen in couples without children. Couples who go into parenthood by clear mutual choice, with a plan for sharing the load, are better placed to handle that strain.
How does premarital counselling approach this?
- Each position is clarified separately. In individual time, each partner works out what they actually want, apart from what they think the other can bear to hear.
- Parts are heard. IFS is well suited to ambivalence (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2019). One part of a person may long for a child while another part is frightened. Both are listened to, so the person can speak for all of themselves.
- The dream behind each position. Gottman and Silver’s (2015) “Dreams Within Conflict” exercise has each partner ask what this means to the other, what story from their life is underneath it, and what they fear. The listener’s task is to understand, not to persuade.
- Practical questions are put on the table. Timeline, fertility facts, money, parental leave, division of care, what happens if conception is difficult.
- A decision, or a clear timeline for one. Some couples find they agree more than they thought. Some agree to revisit by a set date. A few conclude with sadness that they want different lives. All three outcomes are better reached before the wedding than after it.
The first call is free and takes 20 minutes. There is no receptionist and there are no forms. You speak with Samuel directly.
Is it a deal-breaker?
It can be, when one partner is certain they want children and the other is certain they do not. Counselling cannot change that, and it should not try. More often, at least one partner is undecided, and the real obstacle is that neither has felt safe enough to speak plainly. When that changes, many couples find a way forward that both can stand behind.
Fees may be covered, depending on eligibility, by ICBC, CVAP, FNHA, IFHP, RCMP, VAC, and most other insurers, and direct billing is available.
Frequently asked questions
Should we postpone the wedding until we agree?
Not automatically. What matters is that both of you know the other’s honest position before you marry. A few focused sessions are usually enough to get there.
My partner said “maybe later”. Can I rely on that?
Ask what “later” depends on. A condition you can name, such as finishing a degree, is different from an open-ended delay.
I don’t want children but I love my partner. What do I do?
Say so clearly and soon. Your partner needs accurate information to make their own decision, and delay narrows their options.
Our families expect grandchildren. How do we handle the pressure?
Decide together first, then give your families one agreed message. This is a frequent topic in sessions with Iranian-Canadian and other intercultural couples.
How many sessions does premarital counselling take?
Most couples attend between 5 and 8 sessions. A single-topic focus like this one can take fewer.
Does ICBC or CVAP cover couples sessions?
ICB may fund counselling for a person injured in a crash, and CVAP funds counselling for victims of violent crime and their immediate family. Where one of those applies, Samuel bills the program directly. Many extended health plans cover sessions with a Registered Clinical Counsellor.
Book a free 20-minute call
Call or text 604-721-0604, message on WhatsApp at the same number, or book at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/. Evening and weekend appointments are available, in person in downtown Vancouver or by secure video anywhere in BC. More detail: Couples and Family Therapy. جلسات به فارسی برگزار میشود.
Written with expert editorial assistance.
References
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Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969
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Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
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Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2019). Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
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Statistics Canada. (2024). Fertility: Fewer babies in 2023. https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/240925/dq240925c-eng.htm
