Notice: For general interest only; may contain inaccuracies. Not a diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, or professional, clinical, or legal advice. Reading this creates no counsellor-client relationship. By reading this page, you agree to these terms. Full disclaimer. In an emergency, call 911.
این مقاله به زبان فارسی: وقتی پدربزرگ و مادربزرگ چند ماه مهماناند: اختلاف بر سر تربیت بچهها و مشاوره خانواده در ونکوور
Short answer: a long visit from grandparents puts three generations and two sets of rules under one roof, and most of the tension comes from roles nobody discussed. Who decides bedtime? Who answers when a child is rude? Whose kitchen is it? Families do better when the parents agree with each other first, then speak to the grandparents with respect and clarity, and give the grandparents a real role instead of only a list of things not to do. Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC, works with multigenerational families in downtown Vancouver and by video across BC, in English and Farsi.
Why are long visits so common now?
Canada’s super visa allows parents and grandparents of citizens and permanent residents to stay for up to five years per entry, and many families use it for visits of six months or longer (Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada). Statistics Canada’s 2021 Census also recorded a marked rise in multigenerational households over the past two decades (Statistics Canada, 2022). For immigrant families in Metro Vancouver, a grandparent in the home for half the year is ordinary. What is less ordinary is anyone preparing for it.
What do families actually argue about?
- Food and feeding. A grandparent insists the child finish the plate, or feeds a seven-year-old by hand.
- Discipline. The parents use time-outs and consequences. The grandparent comforts the child in the middle of one, or thinks the parents are too soft.
- Screens and sleep. Rules that held all year collapse within a week.
- Language and religion. Grandparents want more of the home language and tradition. Parents feel judged for how Canadian the children have become.
- The household itself. Rearranged cupboards, comments about spending, opinions about how the couple speak to each other.
Underneath each of these is the same question: who is in charge of these children?
If a visit is under way and the house is tense, you can text or WhatsApp Samuel at 604-721-0604.
Why does it hurt on both sides?
Grandparents usually arrive after years of separation, often having left their own home, routines and friends behind. In Canada they may not drive, may not speak English and may depend on their adult children for every errand. Caring for the grandchildren is the one place they feel competent and needed. When they are corrected there, it lands as rejection.
The parents have spent years building routines without help. A comment about how the baby is dressed can sound like a verdict on their parenting. The partner who is the in-law usually feels this most sharply and has the least freedom to say so.
Why does the couple end up fighting each other?
Salvador Minuchin’s structural family therapy describes healthy families as having a clear boundary around the parents as the decision-making team (Minuchin, 1974). A long visit tests that boundary. One partner is both a spouse and somebody’s child, and feels pulled between the two. If that partner stays silent when their own parent overrides a rule, the other partner feels abandoned. If they speak sharply, their parent is hurt. Many couples who come to counselling during a visit are arguing less about the grandparents than about whether they are on the same side.
How do we set limits without disrespect?
- Agree as a couple first. Choose two or three rules that matter most, for example sleep, safety and no contradicting a parent in front of the child. Let the rest go.
- Each of you speaks to your own parents. The message is better received from a son or daughter than from an in-law.
- Begin with appreciation and a role. Say what you are glad they do: stories, cooking with the children, the home language. Then make the request.
- Use Gottman’s gentle start-up. Describe the situation and what you need, without blame: “When bedtime moves, mornings are very hard for her. We need lights out at eight” (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
- Hold a short weekly check-in. Ten minutes over tea prevents weeks of silent resentment.
The first call is free and takes 20 minutes. There is no receptionist and there are no forms. You speak with Samuel directly.
How does family counselling help?
Samuel usually meets the couple first, so that they can settle their own position before anyone else is in the room. Internal Family Systems helps each partner notice the part that still reacts as a child when a parent disapproves. A joint session with the grandparents can follow, in Farsi where that is their language, so that they are heard directly and not through a translating son or daughter. The purpose is a household where the parents lead, the grandparents are honoured, and the children are not used as go-betweens.
Fees may be covered, depending on eligibility, by ICBC, CVAP, FNHA, IFHP, RCMP, VAC, and most other insurers, and direct billing is available.
Frequently asked questions
My mother-in-law corrects me in front of my children. What should I do?
Do not argue in the moment. Afterwards, ask your partner to raise it with her privately. If it continues, a joint session can help.
My parents are only here for a few months. Should I just tolerate it?
For small matters, yes. For the two or three rules that protect your children’s routine and your authority, a calm conversation early in the visit costs less than months of resentment.
My children behave worse while their grandparents are here. Is that normal?
It is common. Children test which adult’s rule applies. Consistency between the adults settles it within a couple of weeks.
My father is lonely and low in mood here. Can you help him?
Yes. Samuel offers individual sessions in Farsi for older adults adjusting to life in Canada.
Does ICBC or CVAP cover family sessions?
ICBC may fund counselling for a person injured in a crash, and CVAP funds counselling for victims of violent crime and their immediate family members. Where family strain is linked to one of those events, sessions may be covered. Samuel bills both programs directly.
Book a free 20-minute call
Call or text 604-721-0604, message on WhatsApp at the same number, or book at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/. Evening and weekend appointments are available, in person in downtown Vancouver or by secure video anywhere in BC. More detail: Family Conflict Counselling. جلسات به فارسی برگزار میشود.
Written with expert editorial assistance.
References
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Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.
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Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada. (n.d.). Super visa for parents and grandparents. Government of Canada. https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/visit-canada/parent-grandparent-super-visa.html
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Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
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Statistics Canada. (2022). Families, households and marital status: Census of Population, 2021. https://www12.statcan.gc.ca/census-recensement/2021/ref/98-500/002/98-500-x2021002-eng.cfm
