Notice: For general interest only; may contain inaccuracies. Not a diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, or professional, clinical, or legal advice. Reading this creates no counsellor-client relationship. By reading this page, you agree to these terms. Full disclaimer. In an emergency, call 911.
این مقاله به زبان فارسی: چک کردن گوشی همسر: با اعتماد چه میکند و مشاوره زوجین در ونکوور چه کمکی میکند
Short answer: checking a partner’s phone almost never settles the worry that drove it. If you find nothing, the doubt comes back within days. If you find something, you now have two injuries to deal with instead of one: what you found, and how you found it. The checking is a symptom of low trust, and research suggests it also makes the relationship worse. What helps is treating the two things separately: the reason for the suspicion, and the surveillance itself. That is the work Samuel Ezzatilord, PhD, RCC, CCC, LMCC, does with couples in downtown Vancouver and by video across BC, using the Gottman Method together with Internal Family Systems (IFS).
How common is it to look through a partner’s phone?
More common than most people admit. A Pew Research Center survey of partnered adults in the United States found that about one in three had looked through a partner’s phone without that person knowing, and the figure was higher among younger adults. Most people in the same survey also said that doing so is rarely or never acceptable. In other words, many people do something they themselves consider wrong, which tells you how strong the pull is when doubt takes hold.
Why do people check, even when they know it is a bad idea?
A study from the University of British Columbia and the University of Lisbon asked 102 people to describe a time they had gone through someone’s phone, or had their own phone gone through. Jealousy and the wish to control what was happening in the relationship were the most frequently reported motives. In the counselling room the reasons usually fall into three groups:
- A real change in behaviour. The phone is suddenly face down, the passcode is new, messages are answered in another room.
- An earlier betrayal. After an affair or a hidden debt, the injured partner’s nervous system scans for danger, and the phone is where the last danger was found.
- An older wound. Some people were lied to in a previous relationship or grew up in a home where nothing was said openly. The present partner has done nothing, yet the alarm still rings.
Each group needs a different conversation. Treating all three as plain jealousy is one reason couples get stuck.
If this is where you are right now, you can text or WhatsApp Samuel at 604-721-0604 with one line about what is happening. He answers personally.
Does checking a partner’s phone damage the relationship?
The evidence points that way. In a survey of 329 married people published in Psychological Reports, lower trust predicted more conflict, more emotional instability and stronger intention to separate, and phone snooping partly carried that effect. Put simply, low trust leads to checking, and checking adds its own damage.
The UBC study adds a useful detail. Of the participants who reported what happened afterwards, slightly more than half said the relationship continued. Where it ended, either the phone’s owner felt betrayed or the relationship was already in difficulty. Where it survived, the person whose phone was searched tended to read the search as a sign that their partner needed reassurance. So snooping does not have to end a relationship, but what the couple does next matters a great deal.
What if I checked and found something?
Then there are two conversations, and they should not be merged. One is about what you found. The other is about the fact that you looked. Couples who merge them usually end up in a stalemate in which one says “you lied” and the other says “you spied”, and neither subject gets dealt with.
In sessions Samuel separates them. The discovery is addressed first, because it is the larger injury. The checking is addressed afterwards, honestly, as something that also has to stop for trust to return. If what you found is an affair, the Gottman approach to affair recovery (atonement, attunement and attachment) gives the work a clear order.
What if I checked and found nothing?
Relief usually lasts a short time. The mind then offers a new explanation: the messages were deleted, there is another app, another account. This is the pattern that tells you the problem is not information. No amount of checking can prove that something is absent.
Here IFS is useful. The part of you that checks is trying to protect you from being blindsided. It is often young and it often carries a memory of a time you were deceived. When that part is understood instead of fought, the urge to check loses much of its force, and you can ask your partner for reassurance directly instead of searching for it in secret.
Is it reasonable to ask for full access to a partner’s phone?
After a confirmed betrayal, a period of voluntary openness is common and often helpful. The word that matters is voluntary. Transparency offered by the partner who broke trust helps repair it. Access demanded or taken does not have the same effect, because the injured partner still does not know what the other would do if nobody were watching. Samuel helps couples agree on what openness will look like, for how long, and how it will be reduced as trust returns.
Outside of a betrayal, a rule that one partner may inspect the other’s phone at any time deserves a careful look. If checking has grown into tracking location, controlling who your partner speaks to, or punishing them for contact with friends and family, that is no longer a trust problem. It is controlling behaviour, and individual support is the right starting point.
The first call is free and takes 20 minutes. There is no receptionist and there are no forms. You speak with Samuel directly, describe what is happening, and decide afterwards whether to book.
How does couples counselling rebuild trust after snooping?
- Assessment. Each partner is heard together and separately, so the full picture is on the table, including what each has not yet said.
- Stopping the cycle. The couple agrees on what replaces checking: a direct question, asked calmly, and an answer given without contempt or defensiveness.
- Understanding both sides. With IFS, each partner gets to know the part that checks and the part that hides or withdraws when it feels watched.
- Building trust in small moments. Gottman’s research describes trust as built in small everyday moments when one partner turns toward the other. The couple practises those moments on purpose.
Fees may be covered, depending on eligibility, by ICBC, CVAP, FNHA, IFHP, RCMP, VAC, and most other insurers, and direct billing is available.
Frequently asked questions
Is looking through my partner’s phone a form of betrayal?
Many partners experience it that way, because it is done in secret and crosses a privacy line. It is usually a smaller injury than an affair, but it still needs to be acknowledged and repaired.
My partner changed their passcode. Does that mean they are hiding something?
Not necessarily. People change passcodes for work rules, after a phone update, or because they felt watched. The useful step is to say what you noticed and how it affected you, and to listen to the answer.
Should I tell my partner that I looked?
In most cases, yes. A secret about checking becomes another hidden thing between you. Samuel can help you plan how to say it so that the conversation stays productive.
Can a relationship recover if I found evidence of an affair on the phone?
Many do. Recovery depends on the affair ending, honest answers to the injured partner’s questions, and consistent behaviour over months. Structured counselling improves the odds.
How do I stop the urge to check?
Delay the urge by a set time, name the fear underneath it, and bring that fear to your partner as a request for reassurance. If the urge is constant, individual sessions focused on anxiety and earlier betrayals can help.
We were in a car accident and the stress is affecting our relationship. Does ICBC cover counselling?
ICBC’s Enhanced Care pre-approves 12 counselling sessions in the first 12 weeks after a crash for the injured person, whether or not they were at fault. Samuel bills ICBC directly. CVAP funding may apply where a crime is involved.
Do you offer sessions in Farsi?
Yes. Samuel works in English and Farsi.
Book a free 20-minute call
Call or text 604-721-0604, message on WhatsApp at the same number, or book at drsamuel.ca/book-a-call/. Evening and weekend appointments are available, in person in downtown Vancouver or by secure video anywhere in BC. More about the approach: Couples and Family Therapy. جلسات به فارسی برگزار میشود.
Written with expert editorial assistance.
Sources
- Arikewuyo, A. O., Eluwole, K. K., & Özad, B. (2021). Influence of lack of trust on romantic relationship problems: The mediating role of partner cell phone snooping. Psychological Reports, 124(1), 348–365. doi:10.1177/0033294119899902
- University of British Columbia (2019). Combing through someone’s phone could lead to end of relationship – or not. UBC News, study by UBC and the University of Lisbon.
- Vogels, E. A., & Anderson, M. (2020). Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age. Pew Research Center.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon & Schuster.
